(Best read in that booming movie trailer guy's voice)
One man determined to get answers. One man, alone against the machine. One man, no backup, no hair and no sense of fashion. Mark Kruger stars as Coldfusion Muse on a quest to talk to an actual, living, breathing, person - at PayPal.com. (queue dramatic music and on screen explosion)
It started with a simple question. Can I elevate my business account to a higher level of service in order to get payments transferred to my bank account faster. I found a number on the merchant services page. Sure, it was tiny and not in a place they expect you to find it. But I'm clever and I spotted it. Or at least I thought I was clever.
The phone was answered by a cheery recorded voice - the same lady who does hooked on phonics (ready.... begin!). Let's call her Sally.
- Sally: Welcome to PayPal customer service. I see you are calling from 555-555-5555. Do you want me to use that number to look up your account?
- Muse [in his terrific, booming, sonorous, made for radio voice]: (ahem) Yes.
- Sally: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you repeat that?
- Muse[in his whiny regular voice]: Yes!
- Sally: Ok one Moment... I see you have a personal and a business account. If you want to use the business account say "business". If you want to use the personal account say "personal". (sally is not big on compound sentences).
- Muse: Business...
- Sally:Ok one moment while I transfer you.
- Sally [No sign of recognition that she just spoke to me]: Welcome to PayPal Customer Service. Please enter your 6 digit web pin now. If you need a moment to look for it say "just a moment", otherwise say "I don't have one" or "I'm not a PayPal member".
- Muse: (Thinking) ..web pin...web pin...not my password, my ATM card is 4 digits... I don't have a web pin. (speaking) I don't have one.
- Sally:Ok one moment while I transfer you. (pause) Welcome to customer service.....
Finally, after 4 trips around this block (Jane... get me off this crazy thing!) on an obscure page I found my "web pin". I entered that thinking I was finally home free. Sure enough something different happened this time. I was transferred to an actual ringing phone, where I received this helpful message :
"We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please try your call again later."
So there's another 20 minutes of living the muse will never get back. I'd rather they just reached through the phone and poked me in the eye with an ice pick and got it over with. Now if you will excuse me I have to call my pharmacy to see if my valium prescription is in yet (... if you are a depressed lunatic say "Babababababa..."... I'm sorry ...ha ha... I did not understand you...).